Hello again to those reading this blog! I am writing in my Grandma’s kitchen/dining room, listening to Replay by Zendaya (AGAIN? yes…) and setting this to post on Tuesday 4th September.
Today I want to talk about my panic attacks and depression. It’s not a nice topic to talk about, but it helps to get things off your chest.
My panic attacks and depression is probably different to other people. Sometimes I wonder if it should even be classified, but then I think it is because it affects my whole life.
I want to say that the main thing that caused most of this is having Type 1 Diabetes. I know it’s probably a stupid thing but sometimes I feel like I’m trapped and I can’t do anything. In Year 7, I once got a voicemail from someone from school saying that no-one liked me. And I’m a really gullible person, and believed it. I was in Year 7, just started with only a few shaky friendships and I was nervous about everything. Most of the time I avoided people and read a book in an enclosed area.
I’m going to start with panic attacks: it can start with anything – not being able to find something or the small amount of work I have that seems too large to comprehend. There are times where I’ve had to close my eyes and just lie on the floor and take deep breaths and count to ten. Once, after a maths lesson, my breathing started to quicken and I became really dizzy. I thought I was going to collapse and I started to cry. Thankfully, some of my friends had come out of their class and saw me and hugged me until I had calmed down. I realised that having my friends around me helped me sort out panic attacks. Over the months, I’ve slowly calmed down, but there are times when I shut down and start shaking.
Now onto my depression: I have had this for a few years, maybe since year 8/9. So around 3 years. I called myself names – like freak and ugly and bitch and stuff like that. I wrote the words on my body so that everyday I would look the mirror and see them. And then one day my mum saw and was really worried. But she didn’t do anything major, just asked to never do it again. I stopped for a little while, stopped doing anything wrong. But then I became sad again and all I wanted to do was stop living. And I tried. I looked up how and tried certain methods that I will not mention. But all failed.
In Year 9, I suffered from a really small case of bulimia. I would eat food and then almost throw up. Almost. I was able not to, but I would stare in the mirror and call myself names again. But it only lasted a few months, however sometimes it comes and goes. Only one friend knew and she helped by telling me to write a diary about what I ate. It helped so much.
For a little while I was absolutely fine. I was happy with friends who loved me for who I was. And then, I don’t know how, it came back. I started to self harm and had to hide them from everyone. I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on insulin and it almost worked. I had done it before I went to bed and in the middle of the night I woke up sweating and not being able to move. I tried to call out but I couldn’t and I was so scared. I had changed my mind and didn’t want to go. I had managed to get some glucose and I was ok. I haven’t tried since then.
There have been days where I just don’t have the energy to move. I just laid down on the stairs when I’m home alone and sometimes lie there for 5 minutes.
People have tried to recommend going to a psychiatrist, but I don’t trust them. Sorry to everyone who does, I just don’t believe they care. I’d rather speak to a friend, who isn’t paid after every meeting.
There was one thing that never helped me. It was my mum saying that I was asking for attention. She doesn’t know what I’m going through, but something tells me she knows what I’m experiencing. I’ve seen a book on coping with depression. I know I didn’t buy it.
There are ways that I cope with both panic attacks and depression:
- I take deep breaths and count to five. So all together, and inhale and exhale is ten seconds.
- I close my eyes and focus on the noise around me. Sometimes it works but other times it makes me feel worse
- I clench my fists. I have super short nails so it doesn’t hurt my hand or leave marks
- I read a book or listen to music – this helps me so much, it takes my concentration off from the stress
- I talk to my friends – if I have my phone with me I usually talk to whoever is free
- I lie down.
- I watch a film
That’s my main ways of dealing with stress. If anyone here struggles with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, bulimia, LGBT bullying, bullying in general, I’m ALWAYS here. Just send me an email with: firstname.lastname@example.org
Lots of Love
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